Really?!

I have recently been told I need to have a place or a way to get my frustration out. I am going to use my blog tonight because it is hopefully the safest place for me to release. Be prepared this will probably be as scattered as my mind is right now.

This journey I am on with my little man Chase just keeps throwing me curve balls. You see today I had to take him to spend time with his dad and he has to stay the night tonight. This is the first time he has stayed the night at his dad's since January. Last weekend he spent 4 hours with his dad. Well today his grandmother picked him up from our meeting place. Not his dad, who shall I remind you hasn't seen his son in a long time. Every night when Chase goes to his dad's I call to say good-night. So like all the times in the past I call. Just to have Chase tell me he still hasn't seen his dad because his dad is at the pumpkin run. Just in case you can't figure out from the name alone, the pumpkin run is a redneck party. Where people ride around on 4-wheelers and play in the mud. Don't get me wrong I enjoy playing in the mud myself but seriously the man hasn't seen his son in 3 months.

You see when I get really stressed out (like I am tonight) I don't sleep. For some reason I become afraid of sleep. Maybe its because I know I can't wake up in the morning and everything will be OK. Perhaps it's because I know the sun will rise tomorrow and right now I would like the world to stand still while I figure this out. Unfortunately I think the real reason is I know I have to go to bed with the decisions I have made.

Which leads me to the major guilt I have. The guilt that takes me back to when I was 17. I remember being in my bed telling God, "if you just get me through this night I promise I will change. I will stop the drinking." Because I was drunk and was spinning around and around and I wanted the world to stop spinning for just a moment. Well guess what I broke my promise to God. But how could I stop? Nobody was there paying any attention to my actions. My grades were good, I didn't create any real problems. And my parents were trying to hold their marriage together. All of a sudden I wake up and I'm "in love" with Chase's dad.

At 20 I started to hear God knocking on my heart and thought, well I'm acting like I'm married to this man so I better marry him. I pushed for us to get married so I could be right in the eyes of the Lord. Boy howdy was I WRONG!

You see many people will say well look what you have out of that time, Chase. And I completely agree. Chase is all that and a bag of chips. And I wouldn't trade having him for anything in the world. But that is because I know him. If I would never have thought that because I was having sex with a man that I loved, that I needed to marry him to be right with God, I wonder where I would be.

Don't get me wrong I love being a mommy and a stay at home mommy at that. I mean I wonder what it would be like to have 1 husband? To have my babies in my care at all times? Because when you have a blended mess you don't get to be mommy to your baby all the time. Nope and that is the very sad truth. I would have given my right arm tonight to be able to go out to get Chase tonight and hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright. The truth is everything is only going to be alright once we reach heaven. So how do I as the mommy in my family give strength to the children in my care when I don't have strength to give myself?

Nobody is an island. That I am thankful for. I was able to see just how much my Taylor loves her "brother" Chase. As I write this now I am overcome with emotion. Her young heart was shattered tonight. She wanted so badly for Chase to be here in our home. She wanted me to go get him. To bring him home and make everything OK. Because that's what we as moms are to do right? We are to protect when nobody else will. But my hands felt very tied. I was helpless. I couldn't even truly comfort "my" child that was in my care.

But you see I know there is already great things coming from all this.

Talking about not being an island, I have one amazing person who has embraced this journey with me. She has been there for me like only a true friend could be. Because of her I have sent my prayers to God when I could not utter a word myself. You see this special person has herd my cries for so long she could speak the words I couldn't find. She has taken the time to know my heart. I will forever be grateful for the love she has shown me. She is one of the great things to come out of all this. To most of you this starts in January but to me and "my" friend this started years ago. Lisa, I truly thank God for you each and every day. Thank you my amazing friend!

See you did it again and I'm not even talking to you. You made me feel so much better. Now that I have found some comfort I am going to try to call this a night.

good-night world